D&D "5.5" 50th Anniversary Edition

 

YDIR sent our staff writer, Ricardo Alja'azira, to do an in-depth expose on the proposed "evolution" of 5th edition set to fully come out of the closet in 2024, coinciding with the 50th anniversary of Dungeons & Dragons.

The following may surprise you as Ricardo went deep... super deep into the bowels of Wizards of the Coast, Project Veritas style, to determine just what changes we could expect to see in the next version of D&D...

• If your character isn't wearing a rainbow flag, pin, patch, or sticker of some kind, they will be docked 10% of their experience points.
• Elves are going to sparkle... a lot.
• At least one member of the party must be confined to a wheelchair (combat optional).
• Characters will now get Disadvantage on saving throws if they voted for Trump in one of the American presidential elections.  If they voted for Trump twice, saving throws auto-fail.  Also, Hillary Clinton actually won in 2016 - Trump only won because of Russian bots (but mail-in ballots are fine).  We can't implement any election integrity laws because that would be wrong.
• Not condemning January 6th in the strongest possible terms will result in the confiscation of all non-rainbow colored dice, as will bringing up the fact that the 2020 "mostly peaceful protests" were a thousand times worse on every meaningful level.
• Half-orc and drow characters must have their own spaces, separate but equal to those of other races, in the name of multi-culturalism.  To NOT separate people by race is actually racist.
• Instead of starting adventuring parties in a tavern, new PCs are assumed to meet and acquire story hooks during their High School prom.  
• There will be rules on designing your own prom theme and custom corsage.  
• Gender isn't ever assumed and should either be chosen or rolled randomly (d100) each day to determine what your character identifies as.
• All dungeons will have a mandatory "pride room" that doubles as a safe space for all LGBTQIAP2SVXM+ and BIPOC individuals and communities.  
• If players use words and phrases like "woke", "social justice warrior", and "super-duper gay" in a negative manner, they have to go in the time-out corner for 2d4 turns.
• "Dungeon Master" is an outdated term and shall be replaced with Communication Facilitator.
• Horses have been replaced by magical segways because horses lead to reins and reins leads to the pretend whipping of illegal immigrants.  Also, horses don't believe in open borders, so they're racist.
• In order to be more inclusive and diverse, white players cannot gain Advantage on a roll until they publicly admit how fragile and racist they are... and even then, they shouldn't get Advantage because of their inherent white privilege.
• PCs who've been mortally wounded (at or below zero HP) will now have 17 "death saves".  Only one successful roll is needed to remain alive and back up to full health.
• Gay and bisexual characters get to roll 5d6 for their ability scores (ignore the lowest two) and pick their placement.  Straight characters have to roll 3d6 in order.
• Combat, by its very nature, is not equitable... and is therefore racist and homophobic.  PCs can only engage in combat if they're being oppressed by colonizers, the patriarchy, humanoids championing white supremacy, and those the party considers "nazis" because of divergent perspectives.  
• If anything happens in the game that is found objectionable or problematic by one or more players, a cancellation card may be presented to the Communication Facilitator.  This effectively nullifies the offensive content from play.
• Artwork (interior and exterior) will never show adventurers in peril or struggling to perform a task or threatened by monsters.  Instead, all humanoids will be smiling and/or laughing with blue sky backgrounds in the fantasy equivalent of Seattle, circa "current year".  
• The new core rulebooks will contain a microchip that listens to your game sessions, monitoring players' tone. Every session will have mandatory tone policing to make sure that D&D isn't being played by bigots, racists, homophobes, transphobes, ableists, Republicans, conservatives, libertarians, classical liberals, moderates, centrists, straight white men, anyone to the right of Nancy Pelosi, and everyone who prefers old-school versions of the game (including retro-clones), or actually likes America.

As you can see, this is going to be the best version ever for gaymers everywhere!  D&D should be as inclusive as possible, as long as we're only including the right kind of people (obviously).  

As more 5.5 updates become available, we'll cover them inside YDIR.  Stay tuned!

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Ricardo Alja'azira

Staff writer for Your Dungeon Is Racist

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