D&D 6e

 

It's tough to keep up with all the proposed changes for 6th edition Dungeons & Dragons.  

Luckily, we've got someone working the street-corner.  He knows all the angles and how to make the boys come to the yard.

With any luck, 6e will be the gayest D&D yet, with equity, diversity, and inclusion for all... except straight white males - fuck those nazis!

Without further ado...

• 6e will have an all-new spell list including Bigby's Compelled Fist of Solidarity.
• The critical alignment system will be composed of Oppressor and Oppressed.
• 6e D&D will be removing rations from the game and replacing them with bread lines (and everyone will have to openly acknowledge that bread lines are a good thing).
• The only contested rolls will be whether you can convey joy to the state while starving.
• 6e will be changing the name of the fighter class to "antifi", which means anti-fighter... despite actually being a fighter. 
• AC bonus if your cause is morally correct.
• Low testosterone condition makes you lose all weapon proficiencies.  
• 6e D&D believes that "silence is violence."  All players are encouraged to ceaselessly shriek their character's backstory regardless of who's talking for equitable platforming justice.
• Fireballs will be called "mostly peaceful arson-balls of justice".  
• 6e D&D will be changing the strength mechanic of bend bars & lift gates to smash & grab in order to demonstrate WotC's unwavering support of criminals.
• Standard gold pieces will be replaced by reparation vouchers.
• Charisma will be replaced with social media followers.
• Instead of fighting against evil monsters and tyrannical warlords, PCs will have to fight against systemic racism.
• 6e will cancel clerics and warlocks, replacing them with bureaucratic ministers who derive their power from the State.
• Adventurers will not be allowed to keep their treasure, instead all loot must go to the State for redistribution.
• 6e will remove all white flesh from the game, except maggots and undead.  The central theme will be the struggle against wight privilege. 
• 6e D&D will embrace KendiXism, removing numbers entirely as they are tools of capitalism.  Also, math is racist.  All modifiers will either be +Xi or -Xi.
• Forgotten Realms will be replaced with a new campaign world called Stolen Lands.
• In 6e D&D, thieves will not have pick-pockets but justice loot.
• They will remove combat encounters and replace them with struggle sessions.
• 6e D&D is just gonna be getting fucked up on opium and telling the attendant your character's backstory.
• Trauma-free blank dice do not evoke a sense of failure.  The lack of capitalistic numbers convey facet equity.  After rolling, the PC informs the Storyweaver what they feel like the number should be.

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Whatever you do, don't sign-up for VENGER CON.  D&D won't be the gay story-dream for Antifa LARPers you always wanted.  Instead, it'll be this old-school, OSR, traditional RPG white supremacy played by people who chant "Let's Go Brandon!"  Ewww.